Up there, Out There, In the old Ether

I'm not even quite sure what I want to write about. I surely I want to write about my hike up to Emory Peak yesterday. But I'm unsure of how to incorporate it into all of the observations about daily life here in the Vortex. 'Spose I'll just start with it. Emory peak is my favorite hike here in Big Bend. Maybe one of my favorites period. The trail in and of itself makes you curse, and breathe heavily as you carry your body and your baggage (both literal and mental). It's a strenuous hike straight up the mountain. Being on the trail, you forget you are even anywhere in the desert. The forested path is lush and green for the most part. Trees shade the rocky incline and the air feels much more moist. The trail is only 4.5 miles up, but it feels longer and more challenging. There are two meadows that give you a brief break of the constant UP UP UP...and in those meadows, it's easy to be taken aback. It's peaceful, and quiet, and a slight breeze is always blowing through the trees. There are a few skeletons of dead trees as well, and yellow brush carpets the floor of the meadow, contrasting to the vivid blue sky, the brown red rock of the mountains, the alpine green trees, and the lime green prickly pear cacti. It's another world in the meadow. And then, it's back to the climb. And you sweat out the shit. All of the bad thoughts in your head, all of your worries, everything comes to a head like a pus filled pimple ready to burst. Your body starts to become angry, your knees and legs question what the fuck you think you are doing to them...and you need water. And the few stops are worth the gulp of the mother fluid. I hike this by myself (and am usually deathly afraid because this is the home of the mountain lions). This time around I went with my friend Sarah, who actually suggested it.

It was early, I had to work after the hike, and well...when I met up with her to hike, for some reason or other I had it in my head that she wanted to do a simple hike. Nah, she picks one of the most difficult in the park. With probably the most elevation gain, the steepest grade and the hike that doesn't get easier as you go up, but harder. I've hiked some of my favorite hikes here with Sarah, and she has indeed become one of my closest confidants here in the land of the unreal. We hit the trail and began our huffing and puffing. We also began to shed away all of our worries, our problems, the craziness in our minds, the restlessness in our guts. We shared alot on the way up. And Sarah led the way, keeping the pace fast and unforgiving. I followed her tiny feet, kept moving up and up and up and up. We talked and talked, and breathed so hard. And I waited.

When you hike, there's the term "second wind". This is comparable to the "runner's high". I suppose it's when your heart rate is up to speed and your endorphins and adrenaline are making time and well, you become filled with a completely unreal feeling of happiness. This is usually when I have sweated so much my hair is wet, my back is wet, and well, all of those worries, fears, my ego, my mistakes, all of the mental shittrash starts sliding out through my pores, I feel the glory of god (or whatever) and well... I feel as though I have conquered much of the stupidity you begin to believe on some days at some times in some intervals. I make absurd promises to myself and I feel like I'm flying...and well..yeah...the second wind. I waited for it. Sarah reached her's before me. I painfully followed behind her quick and impressive pace. Up and up and up. The trail is funny and filled with trickery and false hope. It does in fact lead you through some of the most beautiful scenery in the park. It takes you through the secrets in the forest, through the molten rock above everything, away from everything. Funny birds, mostly Mexican Jays, bright blue and obnoxious as all hell, like to yell and squawk to inform every other living thing that you are there. Little fat wrens like to kick up dead leaves to sound big, like a mountain lion hunting you. Deer eat quietly in the brush. The trail is well marked and your body follows, but you can get lost in your mind on the trail. Lost in your thoughts. Switchbacks take you back and fourth back and fourth and they are ever changing as you creep up in elevation. Nothing stays the same, but the nature of the mountain forest is contained. As you get higher and higher, the martian landscape becomes more apparent beyond the basin. The lodge, the campsite and my home looks like a miniature toy set down below. The trees are older, the aged rock lets the lichen shine in the sun. The trail becomes more rocky and narrow as you climb. Finally as you reach a false summit to the Pinnacles, you see the sign. And it's an awful sign, it says simply, without apology "Emory Peak 1.5 miles". A sense of challenge and of anger swashes around in your brain, which has most likely been exercised as much as your body. And well, you can push along and hike the rim...or you can go UP. To the TOP. To the highest peak in the park, the supposed second highest peak in Texas. You know...you just HAVE to. I mean really. So, you push on....and if you thought the pinnacles trail was tough...well ha. The Emory peak trail is straight up. A rocky path that seems to poke fun at you as you just keep moving upward. A trail that keeps leading you to believe you're almost there and then in a less than polite way, showing you just how far you have to go. This...is when I reached my second wind. At the beginning of this trail. And I was lucky.

A rush of endorphins washed over me. Suddenly, the world was amazing. Hell, god himself just patted me on the back and told me how great everything was. How lucky I was to be alive. Sarah and I pushed on. I felt very grateful for her company. I felt closer to her. I wanted to shout my love for her across the valley now very far beneath me. I felt lucky for her friendship. I was soaked in sweat and empowered with as much adrenaline as I could've mustered. Up, up and up. Fuck the vortex, I was out in the ether. I was floating floating and floating onward...almost to the top. With my good good new friend. The trail ends at the base of very scraggly rock. The peak, it's high and scary, and as you free climb/scramble you are at times looking down to your eminent death down the side of a sheer drop. It's a mindfuck for sure, and you just have to humbly trust yourself and keep the promise of the top in your chest and in your belly. What is amazing is that you have the ability to do so after you feel like jelly from the climb simply to the damn base. That liar of a trail. When you have finally pulled your body to the top....everything stops for a moment. And then...you feel the breeze which is cold on your sweaty body. And you feel the sun, which feels closer to you than it has. And you see the world completely beneath you, because there is not one thing higher than you for hundreds and hundreds of miles around. You are literally on a peak that maybe 20 people occupy at a time..maybe. There are two poles erected to receive radio transmissions (for emergencies i think) and a panel that looks like a solar one. These human traces make it look like a space station, and when you do indeed look at the land to the west, you feel as though you're looking down on Mars, no joke. The proof that the landscape looks the same no where is much more obvious from above. Juniper canyon is lush and green on rolling hills that look like ancient knuckles buried deep into the earth, and they are reminiscent of prehistoric lands where the dinosaurs roamed. There are yellow, and purple white and pale green scars and scabs all across the desert floor, the volcanic fallout, the ruthless beautiful secret of the desert floor. The ghostly mountains so far off, standing in their blue light, glowing in their shadows in the haze. So many colors, so many trees, so many bluffs and buttes. And then there is the sky...rolling on like an upside down ocean. The clouds stretching out, making that blue sky look for all the world like a swirled marble.

That peak has some magic to it I'm pretty sure. It's a humbling buzzard. Sharing it with Sarah made me feel like I was about 5 again. And I watched her with childlike wonder...and then with fear as she just ambled around...and seemed unafraid of plummeting to her death. We shot photos of each other...and she insisted on jumping in the air..while standing on the edge of the peak. I respected her lack of fear easily. And I was ok with my own. ( I am clumsy and well..pretty scared of heights...). I felt like I had lost half of myself up there with Sarah (half of myself I'm not too infatuated with ). I had to climb down the mountain and head to work and so we walked. I felt as though I had resolved alot on that hike down. And my second wind was in full affect and I babbled. And I told Sarah about my past. And I felt weird because I have forgotten it for the most part here in the vortex space mission land. It burned in me as it tumbled out of my mouth. And i was surprised myself at the outcome of my life considering some of the obstacles that were presented to me in my younger years. I felt thankful for my friends, for my family, i was so thankful that my family had been through so much and had all come out strong and loving one another, and I was shocked that I had in a sense forgotten about a lot of what we had all gone through. I sincerely, for the first time in some time, was sincerely aware of myself and how much I have changed in general. It was odd and overwhelmingly wonderful at the same time.

I listened to Sarah's stories, and her voice was like a song to me as she expressed herself and her life to me. And I felt like I was receiving a gift. She would laugh at me for saying so, but I always enjoy being around her. And I love her boyfriend Kevin equally. And their relationship is something I am always happy to be a witness to. We reached the bottom, back to life. Back to work. And in a sweaty mess, I shoveled food down my throat and went to the front desk for 8 hours. To talk to guests, to spread the gospel of the park. And to try not to clumsily fall asleep.

I ended the day exhausted. And I awoke early to work. And even today, I feel overwhelmed because I cannot properly describe everything I want to. All of these moments are so intense! I still have so many things to touch on. But I've got to go for now. I have a date with the hot springs. I'm going to go and sit in the springs, and look at the exploding sky above me and relax. Cause a good friend of mine told me I take things too seriously, so I'll stop for a bit. Until the next time...goodnight from the vortex.